burglary

I wonder if the burglar who broke into my house and stole from me is reading this. He stole my lap top so maybe he is... Heres whatI say to you.... I'm sad that you need to steal other peoples property to make a living. I'm even sadder that you thought fit to not only steal my computer with all the pictures of my parents who have passed away but also the memory stick which was my back up... a memory stick , worth about five bucks... how necessary was that?? I thought there was some honour in thieves .. but obviously not... You also took a mobile phone that is no longer in service because it is on the old CDMA network. what use is that to you??? it had photos of my Dad on it a week before he died.. thats why I kept it... I know you have been reading stuff on my computer..so read this... search deep down somewhere in your heart cause you have got a heart, its just very misguided, and maybe bring the memory stick back...you really need the other stuff... you got it.. I'm not replacing it to have you steal from me again... but man up and show some integrity..bring the memory stick back .....just leave it in the letterbox... thank you... ps ..did you know I had cancer...? did you know you have kicked me when I'm already down...we all struggle with life and you and I have chosen different ways to deal with it, but we are all human beings. just think about returning the memory stick and prove you have some decency inside you...

Winter Days

...My Mum died a few months ago... I don't think it matters how old you are, or what your own circumstances, when both your parents die you are the top of the tree....There is no longer anyone whose life I come first in...There is just me. I manage well and few would know what day to day living is like for me. Few would even want to know. Sure they care, but not enough to actually spend time with me. My blogs probably indicate that I'm melancholy and low most of the time... I'm not. I'm just being thoughtful and trying to understand my place in the world. I present happy and well adjusted to my circumstances.But I have no one close. No one I can turn to who I know will love and support unconditionaly.No one to share the happy times with...I go places alone. I miss out on going to other things cause they are not designed for ' ones '....they are designed for couples and families. I am not part of either. I truly don't believe that I am alone in this. but that is cold comfort...

...I have been doing a lot of deep thinking lately about families. All through my adult life I have had friends who have included me in their ' families'. I used to come to believe it was almost true !! and time after time I couldn't understand it when circumstances changed I was suddenly not part of the family. The two girls who I spent so long with . From their birth ( they are now in their tewnties's). their Mother was someone I considered my closest friend. I did so much for those girls. I invested so much time and money in their growing up years. I loved them . I still love them. and then their was a family ' crisis ' which really didn't include me and wham bam they just drifted away and now don't see or hear from them. I know this is life and don't hold a chip on my shoulder about that.I do value the years I had with them. however, you're never really part of the family when the chips are down. But I've never learnt completely. I still keep believeing these friends who tell me I'm part of their family...I know its more about me , and my inner desperate need to belong to someone. that deep existential need to love and be loved by a family. now with the cancer 'hovering ' in the background ready to overtake me at any time it is even more important, and I despair I will ever experience it before I die. It is always ' conditional ' all the rest of it. always standing on tip toe looking through the window at the happy family. Now is a time of acceptance that, that is what it is like. Maybe it will be easier once I finally accept the reality .....

autumn leaves

..I think autumn is my favourite season. The Oak tree in the garden has started to shed its leaves and sometimes its like ' party at my place ' when the wind blows. I don't mind though.I love watching them swirling around...I've been reading some other blogs and wish I could be half as witty as some. When I type this at night I wonder why I'm doing it. does anyone else actually read it ? I know one person does and was kind enough to send me good wishes. Or is it more about me just trying to work it out in my own head . Whats that saying I read some time back...we come into the world alone and we leave alone. We are meant to spend the time in between together or so we tell each other.... Surrounded by caring friends I still feel alone at times. and then I read Jessie Watsons blog and have nothing but admiration for her round the world sail.Wow..that really is ' alone '. I would love to meet her and talk with her. such an inspiration. Goodnight me and goodnight anyone else that is there ......

third friend in third month....

Dear Pauline today got her wings and has flowen away... I think I have more friends dead than alive. Its a crazy feeling. Why am I still here... the melanoma ripped thru these three . they all left young families ...And selfishly they all left me alone.. Still battleing..still here on my own... Just sometimes in a very small deep down part of me , I want to go to....reality ..of course I dnn't mean that, but why... theres no answers... tomorrow will be a better day... Rest in Peace Ricarda, Bronwyn and Pauline... free fom this disease at last.....

rainy days

...have had more treatment yesterday. sometimes its like going round in circles. Is the treatment stopping the cancer from spreading or wouldn't it have spread anyway...my head sometimes feels like a ball of tangled wool !! I try not to think about it but the constant side effects don't allow me that pleasure very often.Some days ( especially wet damp rainy ones ) I feel like I'm hovering somewhere between a 'well ' world and a ' sick ' one. not belonging in either...move on, move on.... some days thats easier to do than others..

...Today another friend of mine has passed away... I have lost three friends in the past month.Its crazy stuff. Two of them to melanoma as well. It makes me very scared. And very sad.. Its like ' rubbing your nose ' in death. It really does happen. I think somewhere deep down there is the question Why them and not Me? so many questions that there aren't any answers to.
R.I.P my friends. fly free....