...I have been doing a lot of deep thinking lately about families. All through my adult life I have had friends who have included me in their ' families'. I used to come to believe it was almost true !! and time after time I couldn't understand it when circumstances changed I was suddenly not part of the family. The two girls who I spent so long with . From their birth ( they are now in their tewnties's). their Mother was someone I considered my closest friend. I did so much for those girls. I invested so much time and money in their growing up years. I loved them . I still love them. and then their was a family ' crisis ' which really didn't include me and wham bam they just drifted away and now don't see or hear from them. I know this is life and don't hold a chip on my shoulder about that.I do value the years I had with them. however, you're never really part of the family when the chips are down. But I've never learnt completely. I still keep believeing these friends who tell me I'm part of their family...I know its more about me , and my inner desperate need to belong to someone. that deep existential need to love and be loved by a family. now with the cancer 'hovering ' in the background ready to overtake me at any time it is even more important, and I despair I will ever experience it before I die. It is always ' conditional ' all the rest of it. always standing on tip toe looking through the window at the happy family. Now is a time of acceptance that, that is what it is like. Maybe it will be easier once I finally accept the reality .....