Winter Days

...My Mum died a few months ago... I don't think it matters how old you are, or what your own circumstances, when both your parents die you are the top of the tree....There is no longer anyone whose life I come first in...There is just me. I manage well and few would know what day to day living is like for me. Few would even want to know. Sure they care, but not enough to actually spend time with me. My blogs probably indicate that I'm melancholy and low most of the time... I'm not. I'm just being thoughtful and trying to understand my place in the world. I present happy and well adjusted to my circumstances.But I have no one close. No one I can turn to who I know will love and support unconditionaly.No one to share the happy times with...I go places alone. I miss out on going to other things cause they are not designed for ' ones '....they are designed for couples and families. I am not part of either. I truly don't believe that I am alone in this. but that is cold comfort...

...I have been doing a lot of deep thinking lately about families. All through my adult life I have had friends who have included me in their ' families'. I used to come to believe it was almost true !! and time after time I couldn't understand it when circumstances changed I was suddenly not part of the family. The two girls who I spent so long with . From their birth ( they are now in their tewnties's). their Mother was someone I considered my closest friend. I did so much for those girls. I invested so much time and money in their growing up years. I loved them . I still love them. and then their was a family ' crisis ' which really didn't include me and wham bam they just drifted away and now don't see or hear from them. I know this is life and don't hold a chip on my shoulder about that.I do value the years I had with them. however, you're never really part of the family when the chips are down. But I've never learnt completely. I still keep believeing these friends who tell me I'm part of their family...I know its more about me , and my inner desperate need to belong to someone. that deep existential need to love and be loved by a family. now with the cancer 'hovering ' in the background ready to overtake me at any time it is even more important, and I despair I will ever experience it before I die. It is always ' conditional ' all the rest of it. always standing on tip toe looking through the window at the happy family. Now is a time of acceptance that, that is what it is like. Maybe it will be easier once I finally accept the reality .....