rainy days

...have had more treatment yesterday. sometimes its like going round in circles. Is the treatment stopping the cancer from spreading or wouldn't it have spread anyway...my head sometimes feels like a ball of tangled wool !! I try not to think about it but the constant side effects don't allow me that pleasure very often.Some days ( especially wet damp rainy ones ) I feel like I'm hovering somewhere between a 'well ' world and a ' sick ' one. not belonging in either...move on, move on.... some days thats easier to do than others..

...Today another friend of mine has passed away... I have lost three friends in the past month.Its crazy stuff. Two of them to melanoma as well. It makes me very scared. And very sad.. Its like ' rubbing your nose ' in death. It really does happen. I think somewhere deep down there is the question Why them and not Me? so many questions that there aren't any answers to.
R.I.P my friends. fly free....

thoughtful moments

.... I wonder why it is folks have the need to tell me about their family or friend that has this disease. Was at a function last night and was told about a friends family member who had died a few weeks ago of the same cancer that i have. Why would someone think that makes me feel better? Or indeed that I even need to know.I have learnt a lot about people and myself in the last few years. sometimes it feels like I am very alone and other times its almost consuming. sometimes I get very afraid and othertimes not. I feel like I MUST get the most out of every day, because I don't know how many more there are. I feel stronger in spirit and yet weaker in body. and that to can vary on a daily basis. Days that are not my best I beat myself up thinking about what I haven't achieved. I feel like I'm living in a parallel universe from the one that I used to exsist on ! I watch others with this disease and they always appear to be coping way better than me. But I wonder if they are really deep inside.